When The Darkness Turns To Light
by Prep-Satan
Summary: *Finished* How well does Grissom know Sara? Not as well as you might think. GSR
1. Lost

Disclaimer:  I own nothing with the possible exception of KRYX radio, which as far as I know doesn't exist.  So please don't sue me, I'm a college student I don't have any money anyway.  The song lyrics are borrowed from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Rage Against the Machine, but I'll put them back when I'm done.  The title comes from the song Face and Ghost by Live.

Should you feel so inclined you can archive this just please tell me, thanks.

This is my first attempt at any fan fiction so constructive criticism is very much wanted and appreciated, enjoy.

When The Darkness Turns To Light: Lost

By: PrepSatan

"…and if you're planning on driving down the Strip tonight you might want to think again, it's a sea of red out there, nothing but break lights.  That's your KRYX 96 traffic for this hour Vegas."  The radio went to commercial as Sara rolled over and hit it.  She didn't want to get up yet.  Despite going to bed early last night she was still exhausted.

"Fly away on my zephyr, I feel it more than ever, and in this perfect weather, we'll find a place together."  Usually Sara liked the Red Hot Chili Peppers, just not today; she hit the snooze button again.

"Now renegades are the people with their own philosophies, they change the course of history, Everyday people like you and me."  The irony of Rage Against the Machine being on the radio as Sara ripped it from the wall was lost on her.  All she knew at that moment was she had a headache, the radio was too loud and she wanted to go back to sleep.  The next assault on Sara's sleep was the phone ringing.

Gil was sitting in his office savouring his coffee and going over in his head where everyone was today.  Nicky and Catherine were out on a robbery, Warrick was in the lab with Greg, and Sara was…  That was a good thought, where was Sara?  Grissom took his coffee and went down to the lab. 

"Hey Warrick have you seen Sara?"

"No, she's not here yet?"

"Not yet"

"Maybe she heard the robbery on her scanner, went to help Nick and Catherine, and forgot to call in."

"Maybe, thanks Warrick."

Grissom went back to his office berating himself for not noticing. 'Damnit Gil, how could you not notice that Sara wasn't here?  Where the hell could she be, think Gil did anything seem wrong yesterday?'  He racked his brain but couldn't think of any reason that Sara would be away.  'Maybe Warrick was right, maybe she's with Cath and forgot to call, that doesn't sound like her though.'  Grissom pulled out his cell and called Catherine.

"Willows?"

"Hey Catherine, it's Grissom, is Sara there with you and Nicky?"

"No, is she not at the office?"

"Not yet."  'Why does everyone ask me that?'  Grissom thought to himself.

"She probably just slept in Gil; she's been pulling a lot of overtime this week.  I'm sure she'll call in a minute and tell you she's running late."

"You're right, thanks Cath."  Sleeping in just didn't sit right with him.  Sara never slept in, she hated sleep, to her it was a waste of time and precious work hours.  He called her cell anyway, just in case.  When there was no answer he tried her house.  Sara picked up on the forth ring. 

"What!?" 

"Hi, I'm looking for Sara."

"This is Sara."

"Sorry Sara, it's Grissom."

"Oh shit Grissom, I'm sorry I'm late for work!"  Sara jumped out of bed.  "I'll be there soon."  Then her world went dark.

To Be Continued when my teachers get boring enough to write in class again (hopefully next week sometime).  


	2. Found

So my Pharmacology class was sufficiently boring, my three day weekend sufficiently long and my rez network sufficiently fixed (finally) that it spawned another chapter of When The Darkness Turns To Light so enjoy.

Same disclaimer applies, nothing is mine so please don't sue me.

When The Darkness Turns To Light: Found

By: PrepSatan

"Sara!  Sara!  Sara if you can still hear me I'm coming over!"  Grissom could still hear her breathing, deep and slow, so he knew that she hadn't hung up.  He raced out the door stopping just long enough to tell Warrick what was happening.  

When Sara woke up Grissom was sitting on the floor with her.  She wanted to look at him, to talk to him, but she was so tired.  Her eyes wouldn't focus on anything and it was making her dizzy.  "Sara, Sara stay with me her"  Grissom's voice sounded so far away, she tried to listen, to focus, but it was too hard.

A chill ran down Grissom's spine when Sara lost consciousness again.  He had been there for less than five minutes and he knew that something was terribly wrong.  Suddenly his training kicked in, he quickly checked Sara over for injuries, and all things considered she seemed fine.  He looked around for any sign of struggle or anything that would explain what was going on.  The only thing he found was the alarm clock that Sara had smashed earlier that day.  So at least she was coherent at some point that day.  There were no bottles or signs that anyone had attacked or drugged her, he was about to check the bathroom when he heard Sara say "Grissom?"  She sounded so weak, so childlike.  In his efforts to figure out what had happened he had forgotten that Sara was still on the floor.  He went back to her.  "Sara, does your neck hurt?"  "No" came her quiet reply.  "Good can you wiggle your toes for me?"  He looked down and watched as they wiggled.  "Good, let's get you back in bed then."  He picked her up gently, she instinctively turned towards him.  It wasn't until her head came to a rest against his neck that Grissom felt the fever.  He wondered to himself how he could have missed the most obvious thing; he thought maybe he selectively ruled that she was sick out in his head because he couldn't stand the thought of Sara sick or in pain.  He set Sara back in bed and covered her.  "Sara why didn't you call in sick?"  

"I'm not sick."  She slurred her words together into one sound and struggled against the blanket.  Grissom put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her back down.  He let a small smile play on his lips.  "Sara you are sick, stay here, I'll be right back."  He went into her kitchen and retrieved a glass of water, stopping in the bathroom on his way back he grabbed a bottle of Aspirin to find it almost empty.  He also found a prescription bottle that read "meprobamate".  'I wonder what that is?'  Grissom thought as walked back to Sara's bedroom.  "Sara?  Did you feel sick yesterday?  When you went to bed?  When you woke up this morning and smashed your clock?" 

 "Smashed clock?" Sara asked.

"Yes Sara you smashed your alarm clock."

"Too loud, it was too loud."

Sara was slurring to the point she sounded drunk.  Grissom thought he should just cut to the chase.  "Sara, look at me and think hard."  He waited until she looked at him and focused as best she could.  "Did you take anything yesterday when you got home from work?"  She closed her eyes for a minute then opened them

"No."  

"Okay, good, did you take anything this morning when you woke up."  Again she closed her eyes and thought 

"No."  

"Good, sit up and take these."  He said holding out the last two Aspirin.  Sara struggled to sit; Grissom helped her up and held the glass while she took the pills.  He let her go back to sleep and went to read what was on the prescription bottle.

(Insert maniacal laughter here)

That's all for now, you'll have to wait and see what happens.  For those of you who know what the drug is please don't ruin it for everyone else.


	3. Fragile

Okay part three, same vault rules apply.  I don't own anything so it's a waste of time and money to sue me as the only thing of value that I own is my Hawaiian shirt collection.  

When The Darkness Turns To Light: Fragile

By: PrepSatan

Grissom was sitting at Sara's computer trying to look up anything he could find about the drug he found in her bathroom, but her network was down so he gave up for a bit and called Catherine.  

"Willows" 

"Hey Catherine how's that robbery going?"

"Hey Gris, it's pretty cut and dry, did we find Sara?"

"Yes, we did."

She was running late wasn't she?"  Grissom could almost hear the smug little smile that Catherine wore.

"No, she was passed out on her bedroom floor."  

"She was what?!"

"Passed out on her bedroom floor."

"My god Gil what happened?"

"She's sick, as far as I can tell when I called her this morning she got out of bed too fast and blacked out."

"Is she ok, are you going to the hospital or anything?"

"You do always expect the worst don't you? "  Gil said with a hint of humour in his voice.  "No, she's not that bad, but I'm going to stay for a bit, she's exhausted and very unsteady on her feet."

"Ok you want me to take over for the rest of the shift?"

"Thanks Cath that would be great, and when you get a chance could you bring me some paper work to finish and a new bottle of Aspirin?"

"Sure, you need anything else just call.  I'll be over in a bit."  And she hung up.  Grissom went back to Sara's room to sit with her, until Catherine came.  A little while later Sara woke up.  She looked quizzically at Grissom.  

"Why are you here?"  She wasn't slurring her words as much.  

"I've been here for almost two hours now Sara."  Grissom said slowly a little bit worried that she didn't remember.

"Right, I remember now."

"So Sara what's the prescription in the bathroom for?"  Grissom asked casually.

"What?"

"The 'scrip in your bathroom."

"It's nothing Grissom just an old one that I didn't finish."

"Okay."  Grissom realized that now was probably not the best time to pry into her life to deeply.  Sara was drifting back to sleep when the doorbell rang.  Grissom got up to answer it, but Sara grabbed his wrist with surprising strength considering that she was so weak she could barely walk.  

"Don't leave me!"  She sounded frightened.  

"Don't worry Sara I'm just letting Catherine in, I'll be right back."  

He pulled his hand out of her grasp, and went to get Catherine.  

"Hey Cath, come on in."  He took the bag that Catherine was holding out.  "Thanks."  

Catherine stepped into the hall.  "You must be paying her too much Gris, these are nice digs." She said with a smile on her face.  "How's she doing?"  

"Not bad, she didn't want me to leave her though; she sounded frightened when I got up."

"Weird, don't you think you should go back then?"

They walked back to Sara's room, but when they went in she wasn't in bed.

"I'll check the bathroom." Catherine said turning around.  Grissom heard a small whimper coming from the side of the bed.  He walked around and saw Sara cowering in the corner with her legs hugged tight to her chest rocking back and forth.  She was crying, and hyperventilating.   Grissom knelt down near her, "Sara what's wrong?"  She didn't answer.  He moved to touch her, but she pulled away.  He heard Catherine re-enter the room.  

"Gil what are these?"  She asked as she shook the prescription bottle.  She walked around the side of the bed but stopped when she saw what was happening.  "Gil I'm calling 911!" as Catherine pulled out her phone Sara looked up her eyes wide with fear.  

"No!"  She had her hands balled tight into fists and locked against her head, she was rocking faster now. 

 "Grissom? Should I call?"  Catherine wasn't inclined to believe that Sara was the best judge of her condition right now.  When she asked Sara began to hit the side of her head.  

"No, Catherine put the phone down, please leave."  Catherine looked confused but left as she was asked.

Sara stopped hitting her head.  Grissom had only seen this kind of behaviour twice before, once by someone who was autistic and once by someone having a panic attack.  "Shhh, Sara I know it's scary now but everything is going to be alright, I promise."  He spoke in a low soothing tone to try and calm her.  Slowly she took her hands down and stopped rocking.  He reached towards her again, this time she didn't flinch.  Gil pulled her into his lap and held her close, she started to cry.  He held her until she was calm.  She looked up at him with a ghost white tear-stained face.

"Thank you." 

"No problem."  She started to stand but sagged to the floor again, Grissom helped her up.  They sat on the bed.  "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. 

"No, I want to sleep, thanks for not calling 911." Sara lay down and Grissom went out to the kitchen to talk to Catherine.

******************************************************************************************

What will Catherine say to Grissom?  What will Grissom say to Catherine?  Just what is wrong with Sara?  All this and more next time on When The Darkness Turns To Light.


	4. Broken

Okay so same disclaimer, don't worry I'll put everyone back when I'm finished. Enjoy.

Spoilers: slight mention of Sex, Lies, and Larvae 

When The Darkness Turns To Light: Broken

By: PrepSatan

"What in holy hell was that Gil, why couldn't I call an ambulance, and what the hell are these?!"  She threw the bottle at him, mad that he kicked her out. He pulled her into the hall so they didn't wake Sara.

"That was a panic attack Catherine, calling an ambulance wouldn't have helped they can't do anything, and I don't know what those are.  Her internet is down and I've never heard of them."

"I'm sorry Grissom, I shouldn't have yelled, I was scared, I've never seen anything like that before.  Is she going to be ok?"

"She's going to be fine, could you see what you can find out about the pills when you get back to the office and call me when you find out?"

"Sure, are you going to be ok here alone?"

"Ya, Sara's sleeping now, those things are hard on a person, especially when you're sick."

"Ya, I'd imagine.  Anyway I've got to go, I told Nicky I'd only be a minute, and I didn't crack a window for him."

Grissom smiled, "Don't tell him what happened, Sara probably doesn't want everyone to know."

"Sure, but what should I tell him if he asked what took so long?"

"Just tell him you were talking to me."

"Right, I'll call you in a bit with that information."

"Thanks Cath."

Catherine smiled as she put her coat on.  'God he loves her so much' she thought as she walked back to the car.  

"Hey what took you so long, I was about to call in a missing persons." Nick drawled when she sat down.

"I was talking to Grissom."

"I see, so how's Sara?"

"She's sick Nicky."

"I know that, what I meant was when do you think she's be coming back to work?"

"I don't know two days maybe."

"So where's Grissom?"

"He's staying with Sara and catching up on paper work."

"He really likes her eh."

"I don't know, I think he would stay if any of us needed him." She didn't really think that it was true but if it would get Nick to be quiet she didn't care.  As they drove back to the lab she found her thoughts focussing on Gil and Sara.  'He does love her, I know he does, but it's a special kind of love, not like a sexual attraction, like a platonic love, a deep and pure love.  If anything ever happened to her, he'd be lost.'

"Penny for your thoughts Cath."

"What, sorry?"

"You haven't said anything this whole trip, what were you thinking about?"

"Nothing really."  Catherine got out of the Tahoe and grabbed the evidence bags.  As her and Nick walked toward the DNA lab they were almost crushed by Greg as he rushed out of the lab to greet them.  

"Did you find Sara? Is she ok?"  Catherine laughed at how eager Greg was he reminded her of one of those little yapping dogs that jumps up at you and barks all the time.  

"Yes Greg we found her, she's okay, more or less."

"More or less?  What do you mean more or less?"  Greg sounded nervous now.

"Relax Greg, all I meant was she's sick, so she's not fine, but she'll be okay soon."  Catherine smiled to show him that she knew everything was going to be alright.  He looked relieved but a little upset at the same time.  Nick chose that moment to speak up.  

"Hey Greggo can you run the DNA on this for us?" He asked handing Greg one of the evidence bags.

"Sure thing Nick."  Greg took the bag and retreated back to lab and loud music.  Catherine handed Nick the other evidence bags.  

"Could lift the prints from these, I have some work to do for Grissom, I'll be in his office if you need me."  She turned and walked to the office before Nick could say anything.  As she waited for Grissom's computer to start up she rooted around in her purse looking for the prescription bottle.  "Damn, I must have left it at Sara's" Catherine said to no one in particular.  She called Grissom. 

"Grissom?"

"Hey Gil, did I leave the prescription bottle there."

"Umm I think so, one second."  Gil put the phone down and walked out to the living room where Catherine had thrown the bottle at him.  It should have been on the floor still but it wasn't.  "I can't find it right now, but I'll call you back in a minute.  He walked back to Sara's room; the bottle was sitting open on her nightstand.  'That's odd.' He thought, 'when did she get up.'  He thought for a minute, when Catherine had been over they had gone into the hall to talk before she left, they didn't want to wake Sara.  What was in this bottle that she would wait until he had left to take it?  He called Catherine back.

"Willows."

"Hi Catherine, I found it, it's called meprobamate, that's m-e-p-r-o-b-a-m-a-t-e."

"Got it, I'll look it up."

"Great thanks, and you know keep it to yourself."

"Of course, how is she?"

"Ok, I'm just making lunch."

"I'll leave you two alone then, bye."

"Bye."

Gil looked though Sara's cupboards for something to eat; all he found was vegetable soup.  'Figures' he thought, smiling at the memory of the two of them sitting out watching the decaying pig.  He found a pot under the sink and heated the soup.  He walked back to her room carrying a bowl; he hoped that she would be willing to eat.  He put the bowl on her nightstand next to her pills and water bottle.  She had grown restless while he was out of the room and was now tossing and mumbling to herself.  Grissom brushed a stray piece of hair from her face.  He was startled by how warm she was.  When he had checked just before Catherine called her fever had been down to almost normal, but now it had to be at least 101.  His mind drifted back to the pill bottle, he grabbed it and looked at the label, it had been prescribed yesterday.  Grissom's mind started to piece things together; if she had gotten the meds yesterday she would have taken the first dose before she went to bed last night.  So if her fever went down during the day as the drug wore off, and spiked now when she took another dose then…

He grabbed Sara's shoulders and shook her.  "Sara! Sara! Come on wake up!"  He stopped and checked her pulse, it was way too low, and he could hear her struggle to breathe, he grabbed his phone.

"Hello, 911.  How can I help you?"

"Hi, this is Gil Grissom and I need an ambulance to 1235 Wicker Street, apartment 42."

"Alright, I'm dispatching now it should be about ten minutes, what is the problem Mr. Grissom?"

"My friend seems to be having an allergic reaction to some medication, she has a high fever, her pulse is 46 and she's having trouble breathing."

"Do you know CPR Mr. Grissom?"

"Yes."

"Good, keep an eye on her breathing for me ok. The ambulance will be there soon."

Grissom put his phone down and took Sara's hand, "It's going to be okay, Sara.  You're going to be fine.  Everything's ok."  He was worried now, what if she didn't make it?  It was a thought too horrible to think. He heard the 911 lady calling his name.

"Yes I'm here, sorry."

"Mr. Grissom the ambulance should be there in a minute, so I'm going to go and you can wait for them ok?"

"Ya, thank you."  He hung up and took Sara's hand again.  He heard the sirens outside, he knew he would have to let them in but he didn't want to leave her.  He heard the knock and then the door handle turning.

"Mr. Grissom? EMT's"

"We're in the bedroom."  He called out.  He heard the heavy boots on Sara's hardwood floor.  Her bedroom door opened.  

"We need you to move sir."  Grissom looked up, the paramedics looked so young, they couldn't be qualified to help her, he wanted to step in and protect her from harm, but knew they had to do their job or…  He couldn't finish the thought.  

"Sir, we need to work here."  Grissom blinked and stood up.  He felt like he was watching from outside his body, like it was all just some nightmare and he would wake up soon, but he knew that it wasn't.  They had her on a stretcher now.  

"We have to go Mr. Grissom.  Will you be riding with us?"

"Yes, of course."  

He sat in silence holding Sara's hand and thinking about why she had kept this from him.  He was hurt by her deception but too afraid to be angry.  Suddenly Sara gasped and stopped breathing.  The medic pulled Grissom's hand away and started CPR.  

"She's coding!" He yelled to the driver.

"We're almost there."  The driver yelled back.

By the time they arrived Sara had been receiving CPR for five minutes and still wasn't breathing on her own.  When they got into the ER and doctor came over, listened to the medic and gave Sara a shot of epinephrine.  She jerked, choked, and started breathing.  Grissom let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

The nurse put his hand on Gil's shoulder.  

"Mr…?"

"Grissom."

"Mr. Grissom, would you come with me please."

"But Sara, she, is she okay… I mean will she be okay."

"She'll be fine but we need to let the doctors work.  Please come with me."

Grissom followed him numbly and started to fill out paperwork.  When he was finished he called Catherine.

"Willows"

"Hi Catherine, it's Grissom."

Catherine thought he sounded off, drained of life.

"Grissom what happened?!"

"Sara, allergic, stopped breathing, we're at the hospital.  Oh god Catherine I'm so scared." He started to cry.  In all their years together she had never heard him cry.

"I'll be right there Gil, you're at Desert Palm?"

"Yaa in the ER." He hung up and waited.  A few minutes later a doctor walked over to him.

"Mr. Grissom?" Gil looked up and nodded. "You came in with Sara Sidle right?"

"Yes, is she alright?"

"Are you family?"

"Not really, but kind of, I'm her boss, we work for the LVPD, we're criminalists, is she ok?" 

"I'm sorry sir, but I can only give information to family members."

"She doesn't have any family here; I'm the closest thing, so tell me if she's alright."  He was yelling now, he knew that it wasn't the doctor's fault, but sometimes he hated the politics.  

"Alright, as you probably guessed she had an allergic reaction to the medication she was taking.  She's stable now, but still asleep."

"Can I see her?"

"Not just yet, but soon.  A nurse will come and get you." Grissom stood up and shook the doctor's hand.

"Thank you doctor, and sorry for yelling."

"That's ok, I've had worse, and I know this can be hard."

Grissom sat back down to wait to see Sara.  He had so many thoughts going through his head.  What if he had lost her today, she would never had known what she meant to him.  Never know how he felt.   He decided to tell her when she was feeling better and after he had found out what she was hiding from him. He took a deep breath and opened her door.  It hurt him to look at her; she looked so small, so fragile, so weak and helpless.  He turned to leave but he heard her calling his name.

"Grissom."

"Hey Sara, how are you feeling?"

"Like hell, what happened?"  He leaned over and caressed her face, dismayed to find it still too warm.

"You had an allergic reaction to your medication.  What is that anyways?"

"I don't want to talk about it."  She turned away from him.  

"Ok that's fine."  He took her hand, "You don't have to tell me anything now, it can wait until you're ready, if you're ready."  Sara smiled at him, god how he loved to see her smile.

"Thanks Gil."  She rolled over, Grissom held her hand until she fell asleep again.  Catherine had been watching the whole scene from the door, she smiled to herself, 'It may have taken a near death experience, but at least she'll know how he feels.' Catherine moved toward the bed, she put a hand on Grissom's shoulder; he jumped at the sudden contact.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.  How is she?"

"She's doing better, she'll be ok."

"Good, hey I found out about those pills."

"And?" Catherine noted the concern in his voice, and the scared look that flashed through his eyes.

"And, they are an anti-anxiety drug, used for the short-term treatment of anxiety disorders."

The words hit Grissom like a ton of bricks.  There was something wrong with Sara, his Sara, and he didn't know how to fix it.

*********************************************************************************************

So that's it for part four, there now you know what's wrong, more soon.


	5. Darkness

Same disclaimer, I still own nothing, don't sue me.

Okay people, I'm really sorry this took so long, but network issues, homework, exams, classes, and writer's block got the best of me, but here it is part five.  Thanks for you continued readership and enjoy.

When The Darkness Turns To Light: Darkness

By: PrepSatan 

            Sara had been kind of glad when Grissom and Catherine left, not that she wasn't happy to see them, just she could think now that they were gone.  Catherine hadn't known that she was still awake when she told Grissom about the medication.  Sara had a hard time not jumping up and yelling at Catherine for finding out her secret and for telling Grissom, who was the last person in the world that she wanted to know about this, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway she would just have to deal with the aftermath later.  The next morning her doctor had made Sara go upstairs to talk to the hospital psychiatrist, she hated shrinks, especially this one.  There was just something about him that she didn't like.  Maybe it was the way he dressed, too formal, or maybe it was the way he tried to force Sara to talk about things she didn't want to talk about it.  It didn't really matter what it was because five minutes after she got there Sara left and signed herself out A.M.A.  The shrink had given her a prescription for a different drug, buspirone hydrochloride; she got it filled and went to call a cab.  The cabbie had been nice enough, he helped her into the cab and tried to engage her in polite conversation but she didn't really want to talk.  He gave up but was still nice enough to wait and make sure she got in her front door ok before he left.  Sara walked into her apartment happy to be home early.  She knew that Grissom thought that she was still at the hospital and she wouldn't have to deal with his questions until tomorrow.  She took the first dose of her new medication and sat on the couch to read.  About an hour later she realized that her meds must have kicked in, or at the very least the side effects did.  Her hands had suddenly begun to shake and her mouth was as dry as the desert outside.  Sara stood up to get a glass of water, but sagged back to couch as wave after wave of dizziness and nausea washed over her.  Her mind quickly went to the package of Gravol that she knew she had in her bathroom.  'All I need to do is get as far as the bathroom.' Sara thought to herself.  She got up slowly and made her way to the bathroom. "Shit! Where the hell is it?" Sara almost cried when it wasn't here she had thought it was.  'Stupid drugs make me all sick and emotional.'  Sara thought bitterly to herself.  Suddenly she remembered that the Gravol was in her nightstand.  She smiled briefly, grabbed a glass of water and left the bathroom.  She got about three steps before doubling back and grabbing her trash can. 'Just in case.' She thought.  She downed two Gravol with the smallest amount of water possible and changed into her pyjamas as fast as she could.  She then lay down and waiting for sweet relief of sleep to over take her.  

Sara was the only thing on Grissom's mind as he numbly went through the motions of his day.  Every spare minute he had he spent in front of his laptop researching anxiety disorders.  He didn't know very much about them and he certainly hadn't known there was more than one kind.  There was generalized anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic and agoraphobia, specific phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, social phobia/social anxiety disorder.  He would have never put most of those things under the category of anxiety disorders but apparently he was wrong.  He had no idea what kind of disorder Sara had.  He read all of the symptoms of all of them and decided that Sara most likely had a social anxiety disorder.  Sara had always avoided large groups and tended to keep to herself, but Grissom had always just thought that she was a private person and not very social, like him.  He thought back to the seminar he did at Harvard, when he first met her.  He had seen her walking before the lecture; she was alone, eyes scanning to find the path with the least people.  She had sat at the front of the lecture hall, he had thought it was because she was eager but some of the research he read said that sometimes students with social anxiety sit at the front because it helps them relax when they can't see the other students.  She had been the first one in the room and the last one to leave, remaining seated until the room was completely empty.  She had walked out with him asking questions, he had noticed that as soon as they turned down the main hall her breathing got shallow, he hadn't thought much of it then, but everything was piecing together now.  She was terrified of groups.  Grissom had always thought that he knew Sara but apparently he was wrong.  And while he could kind of understand why she hadn't told anyone, it wasn't relevant after all, it didn't affect her work, but he couldn't help but feel a little bit betrayed.  He sighed and looked at the clock for the fifth time in as many minutes; there was still two hours on the shift.  Two hours until he could go and see her again.  Grissom was glad he didn't have today off because he would have spent the whole day at the hospital with Sara and she wouldn't have hated him by the end of it.  He smiled at the thought and went back to researching.  The shift eventually ended and Grissom raced to see Sara, he all but ran to the room and was stunned to be greeting with an empty bed.  He resisted the urge to panic. 'Calm down Gil,' he thought 'she's probably just upstairs with the doc.' He took a deep breath and went over to the nurse's station.  He smiled at the nurse and politely asked if she knew where Sara had gone.  The nurse looked in her log book and then at Grissom.  "What did you say her name was?"  

"Sara Sidle, that's S-I-D-L-E."  The nurse looked again and shook her head. 

"She signed out yesterday evening, A.M.A., sorry."  

"Thank you."

Grissom walked back to his car, he could believe she was being this stupid, well he kind of could, she hates hospitals as much as the next guy, but he had always thought her smarter than that.  Two days ago she almost died and now she was at home by herself, probably with new meds and who knew what kind of trouble they could be causing her.  As he reached his car he pulled out his phone and dialled her number, he waited but there was no answer.  He slammed his foot on the gas and broke almost every traffic law there was getting to her place, but he got there in record time.  He was still fuming when he got there, never in all the time he had known her had he been this mad.  The only thing that stopped him from yelling the second her opened the door was the fact she might be sleeping, and didn't want to wake her.  He stalked through her apartment half hoping that he would find her awake so that he could yell at her.  He stormed into the bedroom where he found her, sprawled face-up in the centre of the bed, covered only by a thin sheet, fast asleep.  His heart melted when he looked around and saw the trash can, the Gravol, and how pale she looked.  'Poor girl.' He thought 'this must be so hard for her.' He reached out and brushed a stray clump of hair off her forehead, he noticed that she felt a little cold so he pulled another lightweight blanket half way up before wandering out to the living room to watch the news.  

Sara awoke a few hours later feeling a lot better but still not perfect.  She vaguely wondered when she had pulled up the other blanket, but shrugged it off and got up, and wandered towards the shower.

Grissom heard some movement in Sara's room and went to make sure that she was alright.

Sara opened her bedroom door and was stunned to see Grissom standing on the other side of it.  "Gil what the hell are you doing here?  What do you want?"  She asked shortly.

Grissom was taken aback by the anger that flashed through her eyes as she yelled at him.

"I don't want anything, I was just checking to make sure that you were alright."

"I'm a big girl Grissom I can take care of myself."

"I know, but when I stopped by the hospital to see you, you weren't there.  They said you signed out A.M.A.?  What the hell were you thinking?"  Grissom was yelling now. 

"I was thinking that I've been dealing with this alone for long enough and I can still do it alone!"

"Dealing with what Sara, why won't you let me in?  Why won't you let me help you?"  

"Because this is none of your damn business, I'll be back tomorrow, now get the hell out."  She pushed him out the door and threw the deadbolt on.  

On the other side of the door Grissom was standing in stunned silence, all he had done was show concern about her well being, couldn't she see that he was trying his best to show her how much he cared for her.  How much he loved her, and needed her.  He shook his head and walked away.

She was still seething as she got in the shower.  She stood letting the hot water cascade over her.  She had never been so mad at Grissom.  She couldn't believe that he would have the nerve to just show up unannounced, uninvited and pry into her life like that.  She got out of the shower, changed into her favourite flannel pyjamas, made herself a cup of apple tea, and sat down to read her latest forensic journal.  

Grissom headed over to Catherine's place to seek guidance as he tended to do when he was having issues with something, especially when the something was Sara.  

Catherine was rummaging through her fridge looking for something that looked even remotely edible.  'I really need to go shopping' she thought as she grabbed some eggs, the only thing she had deemed to be safe.  She found a bowl and was just cracking them when the doorbell rang.  'Who is that?'  Catherine wondered as she opened it.  She wasn't, however, that surprised when it was Grissom on the other side.  She smiled and opened the door to let him in.  "How's Sara? Are you picking her up tomorrow?" she asked.  

"She's having some side effects with the new meds but they're mild, no I'm not picking her up tomorrow as she signed out A.M.A. and is already at home, and to top it all off she hates me for some reason."

"She what?"  

 "Hates me, I have no idea what I did but she hates me."

"Ok, wait a minute, just back up.  What happened when you went to see her?"

"Well first I went to the hospital, she wasn't there.  I went over to her place, and she was sleeping, so I sat and watched the news.  When she woke up I went to make sure she was ok, but when she opened the door she yelled at me that I had no right to be there and I should mind my own damn business."

"Wow, hey you want an egg and some toast?"

"Umm, sure."

"What happened after that?"

"Well she yelled some more and the shoved me out the door."

"Weird."

"I know and I only went over there to make sure she was ok, I don't understand what I did wrong, I was just trying to show her that I care.  I don't know what to do Cath; she's never been like this before."

"Maybe there isn't anything you can do, I mean she made it this far alone, maybe you should just leave her be.  I'm sure that if she wants your help she'll ask for it.  But for now just leave her alone."

"I guess you're right, but I just feel so useless."  Grissom ate his breakfast and went home to get some sleep.

Back at her apartment Sara was sitting on her bed crying. When she had stopped being mad the gravity of what she had just done hit her.  She had pushed away the only man she had ever really cared about.  The only man that made her feel safe and wanted, and loved.  Since she had first been diagnosed when she was a teenager she had dealt alone, afraid to let anyone in to her world, afraid to show them what it was like for her, afraid to ask for help.  Grissom made her feel like she could tell him anything and he would still be there for her, she could tell him how she felt around people, why she spent her nights alone with her scanner and her computer and why she was like this.  And now she had pushed him away and she was afraid that he might never come back.  So alone again Sara Sidle sat and cried and wished for the first time that she was normal.

Oh the angst, the horrible horrible angst.  Chapter 6 sooner than this one I swear.  


	6. Light

For the last time this story, these people aren't mine, I make no money please don't sue me.  Thanks.

Alright all my faithful readers this is it, the grand finale, then end of my first work, and this bit is happy I swear.  Just look at the title how could something called light be unhappy.  It was a pleasure writing for you all.  If you have any other ideas and you don't want to write them personally feel free to share.  Thanks again for your readership.

PrepSatan

When The Darkness Turns To Light: Light

By: PrepSatan

Grissom got up and went to work like he did every other day.  He wanted to call her, to talk to her, to tell her that he was here and everything would be ok.  But he didn't instead he went to his crime scene, alone and worked.  He usually worked because he loved this job, today he worked to forget.

Back at her place Sara slept, there was nothing like a near death experience and a whole whack of Gravol to help a person sleep.  When she finally woke up Sara thought about how well she had slept and it was then that it occurred to her that she had to find a better way to deal with the nausea that the new drug was causing because Gravol wasn't going to work forever.  She couldn't work if she couldn't stay awake but on the other hand she couldn't work if she was too nauseous to look at the crime scene.  So it was kind of six of one a half dozen of the other.  She decided to look up other way of coping on the internet.  After an hour the only thing she found out was every website said something different and the only thing they all mentioned was either ginger or mint.  She searched her cupboards and found that she assorted box of tea had one peppermint tea bag in it.  She looked at it for a minute trying to remember when she had bought it but decided that tea doesn't really go bad so it couldn't hurt to try it, even if she did think that all of this natural remedy stuff was a crock.  She drank her tea and turned back to the screen to find out more about her new meds.  She eventually came up with a list of common side-effects including: headache, sedation, dizziness, nausea, insomnia, fatigue, nervousness, nightmares, anger/hostility, tremors, dry mouth, and blurred vision.  The list went on and on but thankfully most of the side effects were uncommon.  'Great," Sara thought, "I'm going to be a jittery, dizzy, shaking, sick, nervous, tired, insomniac, who has nightmares and hates everyone."  She smiled at the thought though.  She logged off and noticed that the tea had worked, amazing enough she was feeling great.  'Damn this stuff is good'.  She though, making a mental note to buy some more on her way to work tomorrow.  It was at that point that Sara thought about work, about how Grissom and Catherine both knew her secret, and about what she would tell Nicky, Warrick and Greg.  

At the end of the shift Catherine walked into Grissom's office.  He was still researching, absorbing all the information that he could, trying to find little ways that he could help Sara.  

"Hey is Sara coming back next shift?" Catherine asked, startling Grissom out of his thoughts.

"Umm yea."

"Have you talked to her yet, I mean since she kicked you out?"  

"I called but she didn't answer."

"She'll come around Gil, anyway I'm outta here.  See you tomorrow?"

"Yaa, goodnight Cath."

Grissom went home and stayed up until the late afternoon researching.  He had to know everything about Sara's condition if he was going to help her.

The next shift slowly rolled around, Sara was anxious about going back to work, she wasn't sure if it was because of how she treated Grissom, because he and Catherine knew, or because she was going to have to think of some lie to tell the rest of the squad.  The drive passed quickly and she was soon pulling into the CSI parking lot.  Nick was just getting out of his car when pulled up.  'Great and I have no idea what to tell him.' Sara thought as Nick wandered towards her.

"Hey Sar, you feeling better? Grissom said you had a killer flu bug, you still look a little pale, are you sure you should be back so soon."  There was genuine concern in the Texans voice.  

Sara gave him a little smile, happy that Grissom had come up with a lie for her.  "Hey Nick, I'm feeling a lot better, not 100%, but good, maybe a bit tired."

Nick eyed her suspiciously; he didn't think she looked well enough to be back at work.  He stepped forward hoping she wouldn't get angry at him as he placed the back of his hand on her forehead.  He stepped back and looked her over again.  "You don't look like your feeling better Sara."

"I'm fine."  She snapped back at him.  "I'm sorry Nicky I shouldn't have yelled at you."  She placed a hand on his arm.  "I'm fine, really.  Let's go to work."

They walked in to the office where Sara met up with Warrick.

"Hey girl, how ya feeling?"  He smiled at her, happy she was back to work.

"I'm good Warrick, thanks for asking."  She smiled, hoping he would drop it there.

"Great, anyway Grissom wants us in the break room for assignments."

"I'll be there in a minute."  She smiled at Nicky and Warrick again as she ducked into the locker room.  She dumped her stuff into her locker, grabbing a tea bag and a bottle of water; she took her next dose of meds, put the water back and went to the break room.  

Everyone was there already; they all turned when she walked in.  She smiled and walked over to put the kettle on before sitting on the couch next to Catherine, who regarded the younger CSI thoughtfully.  She had always secretly admired Sara and her complete devotion to her job, but had wondered how she managed to stay sane with no social interaction outside of these walls.  Now she knew.  She looked carefully at Sara, she was definitely a bit pale and Catherine noticed that she was holding her left hand in a vain attempt to keep it still.  She marvelled at how much she was willing to go through just to come to work.  Just then the kettle whistled pulling Catherine from her thoughts.   

"Nice to see you're feeling better Sara."  She said.  Sara smiled before standing to get her water, as she did one hand flew to her head as the other grabbed the arm of the sofa.  Grissom was up and at her side in an instant.  "Sara what's wrong?"  He grabbed her arm to steady her.  

She shook him off. "I'm fine."  She went and got her tea before sitting back down and asking Grissom, "What have we got?"

He sighed and looked at his assignment slips.  "We got a 427 of the strip, Nick I want you and Warrick on that one."  He handed them their slip and they left.  "We got a D.B. in the desert, Sara I want you with me on that one so Catherine can you finish up from yesterday?"

"Sure thing."  She smiled at him and walked down to the layout room.

Grissom and Sara sat looking at each other.

"Why are you here Sara?"  Grissom asked a little harsher than he meant to.

"I work here, unless being crazy got me fired."  Sara spat back.

"You're not crazy, you have an anxiety disorder, a lot of people do, but why are you here today?  You've been on your new meds what two days?  You don't know what they're going to do.  Look at yourself, your white as a ghost, you can't stop your hands from shaking, and you almost passed out when you stood up.  You're a wreck!"

She glared at him before shooting back, "If I'm so incapable of working why do you want me working the D.B.?"  

Grissom sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses.  "Because I'm worried about you, and I want to make sure that you're ok, I can't do that if we're not together." 

Sara didn't really know how to respond so she just got up slowly and said "Let's go."

The drive to the desert passed silently neither of them knowing what to say to the other.  They arrived at the scene and were greeted by Captain Brass.  He looked at Sara and then Grissom.  "The bodies over there, it was found by that hiker over there."  He jerked his thumb to the left where a young man in hiking apparel stood looking shell-shocked.  "No one touched anything, I've got another call, I'll be seeing you."  He turned and left them to their work.  Grissom looked over at the body and then back at Sara.  "Why don't you interview the hiker and I'll start processing?"

"Fine."  Sara grabbed her kit and stalked off.  Grissom shock his head before taking his own kit and going to the body.  It was fairly gruesome; the victim had obviously been dead for at least a day, as he was covered in maggots.  Grissom pulled out his evidence jars and picked a few up before continuing with the rest of the collection.  He had been working for about half an hour when he heard Sara coming up behind him.  He stood and turned towards her, "Sara you'll want to stay there, bugs."  He gestured to the body, but it was too late, Sara blanched, clamped her hand over her mouth and stumbled away from the scene.  Grissom gave her a minute before walking over to where she was sitting.  She was on the ground shaking from head to toe; he hated seeing her like this.  "Sara?" he said gently reaching out to touch her shoulder.  "Why don't you go sit in the car while I finish up here, then we'll go back to the lab and talk."  

"I don't need your f*cking sympathy, leave me alone."  She yelled as loud as she could, there was no one but them around so she didn't care how she sounded.  Grissom was stunned, she didn't swear a lot and never at him.  Suddenly her face turned from angry to remorseful.  "I'm sorry Grissom, I didn't mean it these stupid drugs, I hate them!  The doctors tell me that they'll make me better and then all they do is make me sick."  She pulled the bottle out of her pocket and threw it on the ground.  "These stupid things make me all jittery, my hands shake, I'm nauseous all the time, and mood swings, there is no reason you should have to deal with me like this, I'm sorry you have to put up with this.  I just, I just need to be at work, to keep myself in control."  She was crying now, Grissom was standing in stunned silence, listening to her spill everything to him.  "If I don't work I think about all I don't have because of this stupid disease.  I can't go out and have fun, crowds scare me, I'm terrified of people.  It's not fair Gil, it's not fair, I didn't do anything to deserve this, I didn't deserve what they put me through.  There's no excuse for what they did."  

Grissom walked over to her.  "Who are they, what did they do to you?" he asked gently.  

"The people I went to school with, god they were so mean to me.  Every day laughing and harassing me, just because I was smarter than them.  Making me feel worthless.  No one should have to live with that.  Remember Barry Shickle, he deserved what he got  that bastard, just because Dennis was short he had the right to be that cruel, I don't think so!"  

Grissom couldn't believe what he was hearing, Sara was against killing anyone for anything and here she was saying that murdering a school bully was okay because no one should have to live through what she lived through.  

"Those kids at my school had no right to ruin my life like they did.  No right."  Her breath was coming faster now; Grissom could see that she was on the verge of another panic attack.  

"Sara, you have to stop, clam down."  She didn't look at him.  "Sara, sweetie please, calm down."  He couldn't believe he had just called her 'sweetie', but it worked, Sara looked at him, 

"What did you just call me?"  She was still hyperventilating, but less.

"Sweetie, I'm sorry it was out of line.  But you need to calm down.  Take a deep breath. I want to help, how can I help?"  

"You can't."  Sara tried a deep breath, and failed.

Grissom reached out and took her shaking hands.  She looked away, pulling her hands back willing them to stay still.  He saw the fear in her eyes and acted on impulse.  He pulled her close to him, he could feel her hands shaking against his chest, and hear her rapid, shallow breathing.  "Shhh, it's okay Sara, we'll get through this together."  He smoothed her hair down, she looked up at him.  Her breathing was returning to normal.  

"It's so hard Gil."

"I know it is."

"You don't know, you have no idea, it's hopeless, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, there's just dark."  She was crying again.

"It looks dark now, but the darkness will turn to light, we will get through this, you'll be ok, I promise.  I love you Sara and if I have to walk to the ends of the earth to help you, I will.  You're not alone anymore; I'm with you, forever."  Sara leaned against him allowing him to hold her closer.  As she turned her face away from Grissom's chest and into the warm caress of the rising sun she smiled because she knew in her heart that he was right.  She would be okay; she was with him now and for the first time she felt perfectly safe.

The End


End file.
